Pattern-making
The limits of endless chances
Structure is helpful for a chap like Isaac. It tells him what’s expected, what comes next, and generally minimises confusion and delay (to quote Mr Topham Hat). After all, we humans are pattern-matching machines; patterns make us comfortable and help us navigate the world.
But structure can also lead to anti-patterns, in which so-called “negative behaviours” are reinforced by the very structure that scaffolds the situation. The structure might be neutral, but the behaviour has curdled. And now the anti-pattern is set in stone and very, very hard to dislodge.
Example:
Isaac is watching television in the basement. It is time to leave. The structure is that we give a 10 minute warning before he needs to put on his shoes and jacket. The expectation is that comes up straightaway after ten minutes.
But the actual execution of this is highly variable. When he doesn’t follow the appropriate pattern, well, then the anti-pattern kicks in:
ME: “Isaac, are you coming up? It’s 9:10am now.”
ISAAC: —
ME: “Isaac, do you hear me? You need to be out the door at 9:15am.”
ISAAC: —
ME: “Isaac, you’re going to be late if you don’t come up right now.”
If I apply too much force in my voice, he shuts down and we have both spiralled into a world of unhappy consequences (including, but not limited to, being late, bad vibes, and a popped vein or two). If I apply too little, I am not authoritative enough, and he views compliance as optional.
Demned tricky business.
So change the structure! you might say. If the problem is Isaac going downstairs to watch television, then stop him from going downstairs.
Fair point. But alas, the broader structures around him aren’t going to change to accommodate him. The bus isn’t going to wait, the employer isn’t going to set helpful reminders, the queue at the shop isn’t going to magically disappear.
And so we inch towards more personal responsibility, using a variety of techniques:
The cajole technique: “Mature young adults know when it’s time to leave. You want to be a mature young adult, right?”
If this works, praise lavishly.
And in the most desperate moments, issue empty threats: “I’m going to call Grandma and tell her we’re canceling Mamma Mia: the Party.”
It’s about creating endless chances to try again and again, with tweaks here and there, until the behaviour patterns shift ever. so. slowly. in the right direction.
And then, one morning or maybe two, you hear a sweet sound wafting up —
“Mom, I’m coming up!”
— and that’s one more small piece of proof that maybe he can meet the world on its terms.
